Mai aisa kyu hoon !!! :P

Often I come across situations where I feel I dont have enough things to talk about. I feel I am coming across as someone who is very boring and uninteresting. Dont exactly know what people think about me but this is what goes in my mind sometimes, specially when the person in front of me has an unending collection of stories to tell and I couldn't help anything but to flash responsive smiles and wait for the story to finish or wait for the new one to start. The stories just won't finish and the I just couldnt help but fake smile all the time.Although I genuinely want to listen to all the other person has to say, but the thought that I am not putting efforts to make the conversation

keeps creeping in my mind. (that too when I believe that one doesnt have to put extra effort to make it interesting, he just needs to be himself.)
Ironic , isn't it ?  The more cautious you are, more the chances that you'll screw it. Being natural is the key. Being yourself is the key.
Needless to say, I or people like me (who may be classified into introverts category) face this scenario mostly in front of gals as gals generally are the ones who keep talking and talking and talking endlessly.

If I dig up deep into it,  I feel that it doesnt matter as long as the person you are with is your friend. This is because the friend knows your every bit. And when I say friends, I mean the Friends and not the acquintances. These days, we tend to tag anybody as friend but in reality Friends are the ones who pass the tests. The test is their support when you need them the most. The test which calls for understanding of you. I believe 99 % of people in my friends list are acquintances. But the rest 1% in my list are the best friends one can have and I feel really blessed to be having such friends. Those are the people whom I am in constant touch with and I make it a point to not be out of contact with them for too long. Even when the times go busy, even when the work keeps piling up, even when you cant get time to study and you know you must study. In fact, probably that is the time when you need them the most. At least I do. There have been times when I given up on things which were very important from career perspective. And friends have always been there for me and motivated me enough to make me forget my worries or insecurites. It is them who make my life more intersting and lively.

I'll never know if this write - up will make any sense to anybody including me. The fact is this article is not supposed to make any sense. When  I know I dont talk much, I know I think too much. And its just putting thoughts into writings.

State of the Heart

                  Sitting by the window, trying to contemplate what my life is meant for, facing
snow white moon, a dark room, rainy night, awesome ambience…Playing All India
Radio (my favorite fm channel :) ) in the background for effect, which is currently
playing “You’re Beautiful”. Beautiful chords. Adorable voice.
As I write this, suddenly clouds come over and like typically in Mumbai,

rain
pours down heavily and in no time, its water everywhere. I love rainy nights. Love the
touch of rain-drops, love the sound of droplets, and love the rainy smell of sand. Perfect
settings for having an insight into my life.
                  Going deep down my thoughts, I start to remember all little things that made life
great. As if God planned it, it plays a song which I used to listen non-stop in my hay-
days, once upon a time.”Saathiya” it is. I think about her and I look five years back.
Perfect time that was. I think about bringing a similar joy into my life. I give some
thought, I’m thinking and thinking and then it plays a song which I never heard before.
So I switch the channel thinking its high time that I listen to my most favorite song right
now. This song at such a lovely rainy night will make it awesomely beautiful ambience
for the night. And God swear, it plays “ Ye Tumhari Meri baatein Hamesha Yuhi
Chalti Rahe”. There’s something special about this song. I connect deeply to this song.
Whenever I love the time I spent with the best of my friends, this song almost always
beats in my heart. And when I talk about my best friends, believe me you, they are the
best friends one can have.
                          At this point of time,I suddenly remember a treat thrown by one such friend on
his getting selected in NITIE. That party was set almost at similar time and in similar
ambience, in Palladium, Phoenix Mall. From the core of my heart, I badly wish that
night back !!! Those 6 buddies who drank no end, enjoyed RCB vs MI semifinal match
and surprisingly, 3 out of us , including me, cheered for RCB. This grabbed attention
of almost everyone in the Café as there was hardly anyone supporting for RCB. And
suddenly we were the cynosure of all eyes inside. People came and showed aggressive
cheering for MI’s but it got very interesting. Ultimately it was RCB who qualified for
the final against CSK. One amazing thing is still fresh in my mind. I drank something
thinking it’s a lemonade. From the 3 pitchers which we ordered, I drank the most of it.
After a while, everyone around me started moving up-down, east-west, the people, the
players, the LCD, the walls and even my glasses. That’s when I smelled something fishy
and the clever part of me woke up. I started probing. Later I came to know that it was
Rum and lemon part inside, which I had mistaken as Lemonade, was mint. This was the
time I got to know my stamina which I always underestimated.
                      Thinking of all the good times made me feel so lucky that I couldn’t help but list all
small things that make life great :
1. Have a sip of hot tea with best buddies in the rains.
2. Surprise your loved ones by getting them something which they need and savour
the smile and happiness in their eyes.
3. With all the due respect, say hi – hello to building watchman, bus conductor ,
canteen servants and ask about their whereabouts. Connect with them.
4. The nature is damp and fresh and most colourful in July’s. If you are fortunate
enough to have fun-loving friends , go have a taste of Lonavala / Matheran at
least once. Walk in the woods and you will have the time of your life .
5. Don’t take people for granted, especially those who you love the most. Do not
hesitate to ask your sister about her likes / dislikes. Go shopping with her. Gift
your mom a saree and your dad , a watch , at least. The happiness which they
show will be nothing less that a million dollar gift.
6. Always follow your heart. If your heart says do it, then do it. Forget the
consequences.
P.S. Request readers to share one thing which make them happy or anything they
wish to share, in the comments below.

An Idea For the Rest Of Life !!!

13-11-1987
These three prime numbers make my birthday.
It was my birthday today.As soon as the clock struck 12 , my friends and family started to  wish me.
I was elated as I did not expect that so many ppl will wish me. It always feels good to know that your friends remember your birthday and they care to wish you.
I thanked them all and later I made sure to note their birthdays so that I wont forget to wish them back when it is their turn.
But of all the wishes, two wishes appealed to me the most. 1 by my sister and 1 by my friend NiKa.They  both told me to go visit a temple nearby and pray for my well being for the year ahead and thank God for all that I had.I would have never thought of doing this for my birthday, but thanks to them. And thanks to me as well, that I listened to their advice.
I woke up late than normal as I was awake till late the last night. By 3'o clock I had the lunch. Then I decided to visit a temple nearby. I searched for sometime here and there but I had never seen a temple in Antop Hill and it was a tough thing for me. It was like finding water in a long barren desert.
Thought I should better go to Wadala Ram mandir, the nearest temple from my house. Just when I was about to fix this plan of Ram Mandir,I saw a road where no-one would go. I dared to go in. Then I saw about a hundred of stairs going up, which were leading up to a hill. Now I knew why this place was called Antop Hill. I was actually climbing up the Antop Hill. ( I doubt not many ppl know about this hill . I slightly had the same feeling which Columbus might have had when he discovered America. )
And at the tip of the hill, I saw a temple . It was very high. When I entered the silence zone, I heard the ting ting of the bells and kow kow of the birds. Otherwise it was absolutely silence there. I could feel the cool winds touching my body.  It was an awesome feeling , to say the least.
I did the Darshan and all , asked God to take care of me and my family, asked him for  a girl friend ( at least 1 ) and pleaded him to forgive me of all my sins.
Sister had said to take some sweets while going to the temple and give it to the poor ppl or beggars there.
But somehow I forgot.
Well about Nika, She's a management student , very funny and entertaining. And above all, my best friend. Someone who really cares for me.
Anyways, as soon as I finished my demands with God, I sat near a Baba's samadhi. I was wearing sandals. The sweeper there asked me to remove the sandals outside. He was an ardent Baba fan. He told me that the day his Baba took samadhi, the whole mumbai had drowned in the Tsunami waters. I dont know how far this is true but I sort of believed in him. he looked to me a good person.
And one thing I must admit is that I realized enormous peace while sitting there.
Cool Breeze touching you in the hot and humid afternoon.
Birds coming to give you some company in their breaks.I went to touch them a couple of times, but they must have thought that I am a bad man and will fry them for dinner. Partly because I did not shave that day , making me look like a bad boy. So they fled away everytime I went near them.
There was nobody to disturb, nobody to see what I was doing there, nobody complaining, nobody asking me the status of calls and SIP's . I was all myself. It was all peace.
I realized that it was this moment that I longed for months in Mumbai and it was all coming true.
From the top of the hill, I could see the traffic, the slums , the crowd, the races. the dirt , the politics and much of the real world. I really felt that I should never go back again.
But the thing about time, good or bad,  is that it changes.
And I had to go back to the  materialistic world. Near the crazy , lazy and selfish ppl.
However, this incidence gave me a really important lesson .
Now I'll make sure that I'll go visit a place of such composure whenever I feel down, dejected , demorallised , desolate, and some more de'ssssss.
The places can be , I imagine, a silent beach ( not the crowded one ), a hill station nearby, a temple like this one where almost nobody goes , a park of something not known to many ppl, a forest or something,  or even the office in a public holiday.
You'll definitely come across brilliant new ideas to fight against all the miseries of life.

To all my friends, thanks for bearing yet another of my worthless blog.
Who reads my Blog anyways,..... But writing it down , publicly, helps me....

Professional Life Sucks !!!

Hey guys I'm back with yet another blog after a long time.
Whenever I feel bad about something or I miss something, I prefer to add in my collection of blogs,its my newly discovered pastime.
The next few paras will focus on my bad day ( like millions of freshers in this planet ) and it will revolve around a lot of negativity. Anybody looking for some happy writings , I would suggest to not go through this blog as it can only frustrate you.Only those ppl should read  who are frustrated with all the frustrations in life. ( Who reads my blog anyways !!! )

For people who are new to my blogs,I work in CG Mumbai and I'm a fresher with just above 7 months of experience.

As always , I came to office about 45 minutes late. When I entered my project,  I made sure that my manager ( MR. K ) doesn't see me otherwise I would have to look for some excuse, which convinces him no more.And in the first place, I fall short of excuses.
But to my pleasant surprise, MR. K was busy in a P1 call and so he didn't notice me coming late. ( For non IT ppl, P1 call is that which has to be resolved within 4 hours. Even if your marriage is taking place at the very moment or your wife is giving birth to a baby or any ******g reason. ) 
I carried my momentum forward by solving 2 more calls one of which was going to breach within 2 hours.
I deserve some accolades for this but who cares !!!

That's it. The end of happy times. The misery starts for the day !!!
TL enters.
TL: Manoj, done with the checks ?
ME: Yes ( confidently )
TL: Where is the B&M file ?
ME: Right there where it should be. In Doof. (more confident this time )
TL: Open the Doof.
I opened it.
I saw the file.There it was. Happily I showed him the findings.
TL: Manoj,What is the date today ?
ME:10th
TL:See the calendar.
I was like...is he crazy ? He is asking to open calendar from my outlook just to confirm a date.
But I had to open it (as I want a good review from him).
I opened it and cross-checked the day with the date.
It was 11.
I was like ... WTF !!!
Mind you guys, this mistake is liable to throw you out of CG.
TL: Do you understand the impact of this ? You should have informed me about this and escalated this to SDM.Business suffers a great loss due to such stupidity. How can you be so reckless ?
( He showered some GYAAN upon me as to how well he works and how should I copy him.  He made the best of every shot which he got, making me feel useless for CG and proving himself a GEM. I;m always at the receiving end and I'm good at it, used to it.)

Then comes MR. K.
Nice person btw. But he has power. He can make or break my future (or at least some part of my future).
I had to be extra cautious while answering him.
But when he threw his set of questions,I made the mess of everything as I was already frustrated with TL.
K kept on lecturing me for an hour or so, doing no good to my feelings. Just making me feel bad about me.About CG.
The last words by MR. K hurt me the most.
K: You don't understand the impact of this on your salary. In fact, management may just fire you.
I was in trauma. Just couldn't do any work now. Was about to cry.Like a baby does when you take away his/her/its lolly-pop. My mind was all engaged in getting thrown out of CG.

About 2 hours of GYAAN and hungry frogs jumping inside my tummy made me feel like leaving everything in this world and seating at the top of Himalaya or K2 and following the footsteps of the monk who sold his ferrari(after I buy a ferrari, of course) and enjoying the silence. The trees.The birds.The wind.That sort of spirituality.
Then a good thing happened. 1st for the day.
I got a call from my mom just when I was missing her the most.
She misses me a lot and always tells me to come back home and prepare for MBA,leaving aside the job.
I can feel she was crying when she talked with me. She tried her best to hide it though.
She was like...."if possible, see if you can come here for at least 2-3 days. Everybody's asking about you. And yes, Diwali's Tikka is also pending. In Rakhi also, we were not together.Why do you work for a company if you can't spare time for your family.MBA is good.Come here and prepare for it."

I think she was right. Every bit of what she told was true.
Except for leaving the job and doing MBA part.
She was right when she said that I have to take care of my family more than the company ( I mean the ppl inside the company ) who doesn't care for you.
I decided to go back home for 3 days.
I had to take leave for 1 day ,as for Sat and Sunday , we already have Holidays (Thanks to westernisation).

I had a comp-off ( which means I am eligible for a leave when I need ) and 8 Priviledge Leaves pending.
I just needed 1 to go back to my lovely family and share some great moments.
This 3 day break would be enough to survive for 3 months of frustrations in CG.
Having worked so hard for CG, these ppl should gift me a week holiday for free.(Yes, I'm really a very important resource for my project.).
But I failed to convince them for a single day holiday even when I had a comp-off pending.
I played  every trick with them. I lied.Emotionally blackmailed them. But to no avail.
They had this reason ,"the peak is going on and we can't afford to get loose , especially when so much work is pending".
They were right when they said this.

But I'm also right as heck and I also have a family which depends on me, big time.
There are ppl who take leaves ,by lying to manager that they have fallen sick and need bed-rest.
Manager himself , goes on leave for so many days, even when his family is right there with him everyday.
My family is 800 kms away and when mom wishes to see me, why cant they approve a single day leave.
I felt really sad, more for mom, than for me.
But yes, its a part of life and we do have to respect the challenges life throws at us.
Instead of complaining about the system and the management,the smart move will be to fall sick and get the leave approved.Yes, I will lie now and enjoy a week long break.

To all my friends who are in such dilemma, or any other problem in life :
Its good to be honest and true and you gotta be.
But sometimes when you know ppl wont get you, you have to play smart.

Note :
1. No offence to TL and MR. K . They both are nice ppl and I understand they have their own set of problems.They also have pressure from management level.
2.Some events have been exaggerated to add  effect.

First Month as a Fresher

To Life and Love ..... Health and Friendship .....

26th August 2008...The day when I got placed in Capgemini.
29th March 2010...This is when I got joining.
The period in between was a recession period in which lots of experienced people were fired and so I was not sure if I will get to join CG or not.
My dilemma was getting stronger as months passed without even a confirmation mail from CG.
But finally,I got a call.........The call from CG.... After more than 18 months.Yes, the wait was over. And the count down began.
I was told to join CG within a week.
In that week, I had so many plans....Had to visit my friends, my teachers, some relatives.At the same time , I had to make sure that I spend enough time with my family.
It was a week, I can't forget....I can't forget how many times I cried...But I had to leave my home, my friends, my city. ( Yes, everything comes at a cost ).

29th March...My first day
It was a day  when we were supposed to complete some basic formalities and fortunately, we were allocated a project in the same day.
That time, I had no contacts in CG except for my classmate in VJTI who was getting joining letter on the same day as mine....NP (apolpgies for not writing the full name,but I can't.)

When I came to M1 office in Vikroli inside Godrej campus, I came across so many new faces , except NP.
Very quickly,8 more people joined us and since then, we became a group of 10 buddies.
It was amazing feeling... Being with new people... Good people.... Sharing jokes....It was a time when I felt I'm actually humorous(I always felt I'm boring).Whatever I say,used to make my buddies laugh...There was another Joker in the group...PR...A born entertainer....I can't feel boring when he is around.
In this gang, there were 2 serious looking guys....1 rich dude....me ... NP... 2 more girls JK and AP...and 2 more guys.I can easily say that it was the happiest month in my life ( I mean life after my junior college ) .

3-4 people from our group used to catch a shuttle a 10.50 from Vikroli station.As soon as we reached office, everyday we used to go visit a place called GHAR( we named it this way as we spend a lot of initial time here ).Drinking cardamon tea and chatting countless things in ghar was a passion in my heart.
I didn't want to sit at my desk, but I had to...
But there also, we used to chat on Office Communicator...And we used to make the plans for the day on OC only.We used to chat anything... Even when we didn't have to say anything, we would just send  smilies.
Being with friends was more important to us...After chatting for about 1 and a half hour ,we used to meet again for lunch... For lunch, we had a separate place .... where nobody would disturb us....we would laugh out loud and no 1 would hear us....Total freedom !!!
1 friend , JK , used to bring  lunch for me everyday. Now I realize not all people are this much lucky.I felt important because she made me feel important.By bringing this for me everyday.
I could forget my ID but she couldn't forget my part in her tiffin.
We 10 people had to adjust in table of the capacity of 8 people.But it was never a problem.
We used to discuss our findings on CG intranet.PR and me used to enlight all with some PJ's.
Everybody had hundreds of things to share in 1 our lunch break.I was normally the last to finish my part. I just couldn't hold my attention out of the conversation that was happening.Also I used to keep thinking on some jokes that would fit the context.After lunch, a round around the campus.

After an hour or so,we would come back to the hotseat and start chatting....1 best part of the chat was the group conversation we used to make....My teammates used to sometimes doubt me when I laughed so much in our OC chat.We had nothing much to do in office and this group was all in my mind.After tp'ing for another hour or so, next we would pay a visit to ghar... It is a place where we are supposed to maintain silence...but we couldn't....Just couldn't control our emotions...

After 3-4 of such meets throughout the day, 3-4 of us would meet again in the shuttle for station.
A shuttle of 40 people used to have these 3-4 people shouting and the rest would just rest after their hectic day.I personally, used to feel really bad once we depart each day...Would just think about what would happen tomorrow.. Such was an excitement...(At least inside me).

After spending a memorable 1st month...It was a time for some bad things to happen....
Now I don't feel the same openness with these people ,these people now don't understand me(after my silly incident inside the group).
I really miss them all...................Won't write about all the bad things that took place...

Just 1 hope.... Things get back in place and I again feel important in our group.....

To Life and Love ..... Health and Friendship .....

My Day at Office !!! (And its my Routine)

I went to the office late as usual.
Had to sacrifice my lunch because I was already late for office by half an hour. A lunch at that time would make me late my 1 and a half hour.
Finally I came to my cubicle, my teammates could hear my heartbeats as I was practically running to reach office.
As soon as I switched on my PC,my Team Leader (so called TL as I believe he has no leadership skills) greeted me saying," Boss, aaj phir late ho gaye".
Anyway  it doesn't hurt me anymore as I'm used to getting such teasings from teammates( Being a fresher . ).
I looked for excuses and just blurted out, train was late.
He became red as if he himself is paying to me and coming 30 minutes late would lose him some billions.
He bossed around for some minutes and loaded me with plenty of calls which he knew  I wouldn't be able to solve.
After some 15 minutes, he went to canteen saying I need an update on this before I return.
I had plans to chat with 4 of my lovely friends on gmail but I had to sacrifice, as always.
I focussed some more on investigating the issues at hand so that I can get some relief from TL.
And I did find out a clue and I was like I have climbed up the  K2.
I presented my findings as soon as he returned.hoping my good time will start soon.
But (I hate this word "but"),he was like "this is all you can come up with.This is not accepteble boss. Just go through the documents until you find the root cause and solution of this".I was mind****ed.

When Feeling dejected, one thing always calms you and that is the girl you like.
Talking about this girl , I used to love this girl more than myself . But when she came to know about my feelings, she stopped talking to me, leaving me nowhere.
When I stopped talking with her (I still had feelings but again had to sacrify, because she didn't want to see me),one fine day , she pinged me and said we can still be friends if I make some changes.

That day onwards, I saw her just as a friend.I suppressed all my feelings.(these feelings used to arise everynight but during office hours I control my emotions).
We resumed our talks again. Thank God. I'm more than happy to be her friend,at least.
1 thing which I regret badly, however,is that I cant interest her as much as her other friends do.This is the story so far.

Anyway.... I felt dejected after my TL scolded me rather than appreciating my efforts to resolve a query by some psycho user.
I went near canteen to catch a glimpse of my girl.There he was. My Sautan.I hate it when he touches her.
My already red mood became chilly now.
It was not enough. She just saw me peeping into her and didn't even hi'd to me.Here onwards i kept on thinking what she might me thinking about me.How retardish I was to look at her so directly ?
And that sautan of me,what does she like about him,even when he doesn't like her. He is a chalu kind of person.
So many things running in my mind.
Some ideas  about yoga kept coming in between as I thought I have no future in professional life and shouldn't ask for anything. Rather should be happy with what I have.Means with almost nothing except a sweet family.After Yoga, Kapal Bharti followed.

I kept wondering why only me in the middle of so much sufferings when there are so many people in my office.What's wrong with this world ? What's wrong with my TL? What's wrong with that sautan? What's wrong with my girl? Or rather What's wrong with me ?

Is it ? Should I take responsibility here for feeling so bad for not having cool friends,cool boss and hot girl in  y life ?